Sunday, January 14, 2007

Love Machines

Valentines Day is early over at the 99 Cent Store this year.
They have a whole aisle of Valentine-related materials; mostly candy, but lots of more interesting items as well, two of which I will describe in this post.

The Love Projector and the Love Machine.

We decided to field test these gadgets more or less immediately -

Sandra with the Love Projector.

Jonnie with the Love Machine.

1. The Love Gun
Technically called the Love Machine, we call this the Love Gun because it actually is a gun. We use the term Love Machines as a more general term to be applied collectively.

The subtitle on the Love Gun's packaging reads, "Shoot Them with Love". Yeah!

What most caught our eye about the Love Gun was the ammo that came with it. Instead of shooting red bullets or hearts, it shoots remarkably detailed little cupids who are each armed with bows and arrows:

Love Ammo.

Love Ammo Detail.

The barrel of the love gun is just for show. Nothing actually travels through the barrel. Instead, the cupid is placed in the top of the gun -

Loading the Love Gun.

When the lover pulls the trigger, cupid is launched from the top of the gun in a wide arc, hopefully hitting the object of the trigger person's affection.

Firing the Love Gun.

Side note: The Sounds of Love - What does a man or woman in love sound like? I recorded Sandra's and my responses to being shot by the love gun. Assuming we are typical representatives of our respective genders, I am reproducing them here.

Male [after being shot by love]: ::giggles::
Female [after being shot by love]: AAAAAA!!!!

When asked why the female reaction was so strong, Sandra reported, "I thought it was going to put my eye out".

Conclusion - Awesome! The Love Gun has pretty good range, it is attractive, it is portable, it will inspire shock and awe if we bring it out in public...we love it. The only possible drawback might be that the ammo is too cool for frivilous use. I would hate to lose one of those cupids. Sure, you could use an olive or something, but then it wouldn't really be a Love Gun. Do not use the Love Gun promiscuously. Do not shoot anybody with the Love Gun unless they would be worth losing one of the cupids.

2. The Love Projector

The Love Projector is like a portable slide show in a pink phallic highly fragile cheap plastic package.

It comes with a View Master style disc which, when rotated in front of the lamp, will allow a different image to be projected.

Each image is a heart containing one of eight slogans:
- Kiss Me
- Cutie Pie
- Love Bug
- Hot Stuff
- I Love You
- You're Hot
- Sweet Stuff
- Be My Valentine

This is a much less violent way to shoot somebody with your love than what was possible with the Love Gun. The object of the lover's affection does not even need to be the target with this machine. You can project your love on the wall or a plate, or your lover's dress as well.

The only drawback is that the Love Projector is not effective when the lights are on. So it is best used when the lights are off and the mood is right.

If the lights are off, the effect of the Love Projector is quite remarkable:

Sandra Under the Influence of the Love Projector.

The Love Projector included batteries, but they were worthless. One had visible acid buildup on it and the other, when combined with a new Duracell, gave unreliable results. Once I put in two new AA batteries, the Love Projector purred like a kitten.

Conclusion: The Love Projector is sure to make any man or woman horny. The only drawback being the image is difficult to notice when the lights are on. It is best to have both a Love Projector and a Love Gun in your love arsenal. That way, proper lighting will never be an issue. You can get both for a total of $1.98 and that's just a fraction of the cost you would spend on a typical posture bar.

Let the Love Play Begin!

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